I'm Not Eating That!
by Rie Sonomura
Summary: Bayonetta gets sick with a cold. Palutena decides to drop by and offer some homemade food... but it's never that easy with these two. [Bayotena. Sickfic with lots of snark. Some language and suggestiveness. For Femslash February 2020. DELETED AND REPOSTED - SEE AUTHOR NOTE FOR DETAILS]


**whee here's a random Bayotena thing because I can for Femslash Feb**

**and also a sickfic... apparently. AND YES BAYO AND DARK SAMUS ARE ROOMMATES. rather fitting too cause they're the last two fighters captured by Dharkon that you rescue in WoL.**

**one last thing - I deleted and reposted this fic on FFN because all this time I was unintentionally calling Dark Samus a racial slur. I assure you, I had no knowledge before the fact, and had no ill intentions as I thought I was giving Dark Samus a nickname she would be annoyed by. I was clearly wrong. For that, if I offended anyone, I want to apologize.**

* * *

**_I'm Not Eating That!_**

_How humiliating._

Bayonetta lay in bed, snuggled under her sheets as she shivered and sniffled.

_I, an Umbran Witch, have contracted a common... **human **disease. Every part of me aches and my nose can't stop dripping. And magic in this condition? I'd have more luck making a mess of everything._

"Hey? Bayonetta?" Her roommate, the alien clone of Samus known only as Dark Samus, called out to Bayonetta rather bluntly as she knocked on the witch's bedroom door. "Time for your medicine."

"Ugh, _finally_," Bayonetta griped. "If you would?"

Dark Samus silently opened the door and hovered over to the witch, holding a spoon in one hand and a bottle of medicine in the other. Noticing Bayonetta staring at her, Dark Samus bluntly asked, "...What?"

"No 'say aaaaah'? You really need to work on your bedside manner, _Nightlight_." Bayonetta teased the alien.

"You're lucky we're roommates, or I would vaporize you where you stood, _witch_," Dark Samus grumbled as she opened the bottle and poured a spoonful into the spoon, feeding Bayonetta the medicine.

"Oh, you're so easy to tease," Bayonetta winked at Dark Samus.

"And I _hate _it." Dark Samus complained, which was followed by Bayonetta coughing a wet, crackly cough. "You _really_ should be resting-"

All of a sudden, a knock could be heard at the door to the two darkness-wielding women's apartment.

"I'll get it." Dark Samus headed off to the door, gesturing to Bayonetta to stay in bed. Within a few seconds, she returned. Her face was unreadable due to the fact her helmet hid her... somewhat grotesque true form, but her voice sounded somewhat distressed.

"Why the hell is _Palutena_ here?!" Dark Samus fretted.

"The goddess? She's probably here for me, and I might know why... though in the state I'm in, I can't say I'm in the mood for that in particular."

"Do you still...?"

"Eh," Bayonetta shrugged. "Let her in."

Within seconds, Dark Samus led Palutena to Bayonetta's room. Palutena was carrying a plastic bag with a styrofoam food carton inside.

"Looks like she brought you some food as a gesture of hospitality," Dark Samus concluded.

"Oh, that's... awfully nice of you, goddess," Bayonetta genuinely complimented Palutena. "What's in the carton? That pad thai I really like from the food court? Fried rice? Some steak?"

"Actually, no," Palutena rebutted with a smile that had a faint trace of mischief in it. "It's something homemade."

Bayonetta's face immediately stiffened in shock when she realized what Palutena meant. Noticing the Umbran Witch's discomfort, the Phazon-based clone of Samus reluctantly asked her, "What's with that face...?"

Sneezing briefly, Bayonetta slowly turned her head to meet Dark Samus's general line of sight and told her, "If you don't know, you're about to find out...!"

Grabbing the nearby swivel table, Palutena pulled it up to Bayonetta's bed, set the bag on the table, and took the carton out. Already, an unearthly smell began emanating from the carton.

_M-maybe it won't be the "Revolting Dinner" she's infamous for, _Bayonetta anxiously thought. _Maybe it'll be something that smells like shit but tastes amazing. Like durian, or kimchi, or some kind of fancy cheese that happens to smell this bad... _

Unfortunately, her hopes were dashed when Palutena opened the carton. Inside... was horrors the likes of which Bayonetta never thought she'd lay eyes on. And she even went to Hell itself to save Jeanne.

The "food" was an unintelligible glop of mostly blues and greens. Bayonetta couldn't tell what the hell was in it, or how it was even prepared, nor did she want to.

_Of **fucking **course. Dammit._

Palutena only asked, "Well?" with an "innocent" looking smile that had obvious traces of smugness in it.

_Welp. The moment I get sick, she decides to tease me like this. But two can play that game.  
_

_"_No way in _Hell _am I eating _that_, goddess!" Bayonetta retorted before coughing.

"Oh?" Palutena asked coyly. Noticing where this interaction was potentially going, Dark Samus silently backed out of the room. "But it has a lot of nutrients to get you feeling better~!"

"Doubtful if it both looks _and _smells like garbage," Bayonetta countered. "At least deviled eggs and kimchi _look _appetizing, and are once you take a bite. But something like this? Hardest. Pass. Ever."

"But how would you know if you don't try it...?" Palutena questioned with a slightly menacing aura.

_She thinks she can intimidate me... It may work on her little angel underling, but I've got an ace up my sleeve._

"Well, have _you_ tried it...?" Bayonetta asked coyly, smirking.

"Ah?!" Palutena gasped, blushing slightly.

_Of course that witch got me... She did it again... why do I... **enjoy **this...?_

"I mean, I don't always cook for myself. I either order out, or have Dark Samus whip something up for me, and she's miles better than you are, but that's beside the point." Pushing her glasses up, she continued, "But when I _do _cook for myself, I _always _taste test, and if something's wrong, I either remedy it with some ingredients, or start over. I mean come on, that's Cooking 101, goddess."

"W... what are you implying?" Palutena looked down, fidgeting.

"Did _you _taste test your cooking as you prepared it...?"

"I..." Looking to the side, Palutena admitted, "N-no... I didn't."

"Well then," Bayonetta boasted, "Why don't _you _try it, right here, right now...?"

"Ah...!" Palutena trembled.

"Go on, let me know if this monstrosity is actually good," Bayonetta teased the witch before feeling a sneeze coming on, at which point she turned her head away from both Palutena and the "food" and covered her nose with her elbow to sneeze. Wiping her nose with a tissue from the nearby tissue box, she continued with, "Unless... you're _chicken_?"

"I... I am not!" Palutena huffed. "Fine!" Grabbing a plastic spoon from the bag, she approached her concoction cautiously, drawing a spoon to it in a slightly terrified manner. Wincing, she slowly dug it out as it made a sickening noise and... jiggled like gelatin. Whatever _this _was should _not _jiggle like that. Within seconds, she dumped the mystery food back into its slop and backed away.

"Nope..." Palutena stammered, shivering as the color drained from her face. "Nope, nope, nope..."

_She got me good... I'm so embarrassed...!_

"Hoho," Bayonetta chuckled, once again pushing up her glasses by the rim. "You lose, goddess. I get to decide the punishment~"

"Oh no..." Palutena trembled.

"You... have to try _my _cooking when I get better," Bayonetta decided. "And let me tell you... _it's a real treat for the senses. **All **of them._"_  
_

"O-oh..." Palutena felt her knees going weak at the way Bayonetta delivered her promise. Or perhaps it was even what she said, period.

_She always has this effect on me... it's... bewitching._

"I make sure my cooking is _divine_. It's somewhat ironic that a goddess's cooking can't be called that but a witch's can, hmm?"

"W-we'll see," Palutena stammered shyly, looking away.

"Oh, we will, and you'll be begging for more," Bayonetta chuckled before sneezing. Laying back down, she then suggested, "Although... since neither of us will eat that, not even Dark Samus, and you came all this way... why not stay a while and have some takeout?"

"Are you... sure you can have takeout when you're sick?" Palutena asked.

"I'm craving pad thai again. I'm sure that'll be fine," Bayonetta shrugged. She called out to her roommate, "You're paying this time, Nightlight..."

"Grrr... fine," Dark Samus grumbled as she headed to the phone. "I swear, I'll get you and the goddess back for this..."

_**Fin**_


End file.
